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Punishment vs Discipline – Which is best to develop good behaviour?

Like everybody our youth have their own emotions and impulses. As adults, we sometimes forget they are building their own roadmap. Good behaviour is a learning process. Helping our youth know they are not on their own in building their future and we are there for them is important.

The funny thing we forget is that being a parent is a learning process too. Sometimes we rely too heavily on our own emotions and impulses which means that when a child misbehaves and we jump straight to punishment we are missing a valuable opportunity to teach them.

Discipline vs punishment is a fine line that if you can learn how to walk the tight rope (and it is hard) you will see amazing benefits.

Let’s compare the two words and what they actually mean:

  • Punishment – means to inflict pain or suffering as a penalty. 
  • Discipline – means to teach. 

When your child makes the same poor behaviour choices again and again it can be very frustrating for you as a parent. However, the better we respond the better the results we can expect. The better we respond and reinforce good behaviour skills, the better the results we will see in our youth’s decision. 

  • The first thing to do is to decide what you actually want to achieve. What are your goals for your child when they misbehave?
  • The primary short term goal is to get them to co-operate
  • Your second longer-term goal that is usually forgotten is that it is to teach them to make better choices without the threat of punishment or consequences.
  • Think PPI. Patient, Present, and Intentional when interacting with your child.

So when developing good behaviour skills how do punishment and discipline compare?

Punishment vs. Discipline:

  • Teach your child and they will develop self-discipline skills to manage their emotions and impulses. Punishment is behaviour shut down action.
  • Discipline will develop a higher level of trust and self-confidence.
  • When you punish you will build a proverbial wall and decrease trust and self-confidence.

It is important to develop a strategy and have it in place when you are faced with disciplining your child when they misbehave.

There are 3 key steps of discipline:

  1. CONNECT – this doesn’t mean to be permissible or passive, but to set clear expectations. When your child is upset they are less likely to hear what you have to say. As your child calms down emotionally and feels your caring approach you must be patient. You must try to remain as calm as possible which is the hardest but most stress-free way to discipline. 
  2. RE-DIRECT – spell out what the poor behaviour choice was. Follow that with what the better choice may have been. Engage and be fully present in this step as it is crucial to ensure they hear you and see you are there for them. 
  3. REPAIR – Once calm has been in place and the behaviour has been discussed then discuss necessary steps on how to solve the current behaviour problem, review better choices, and set ground rules should the poor behaviour choices continue. Show them you are there for them and in this together with them. 

A good tip is that it is better to say ‘consequences’ instead of ‘punishments’ so that you are setting your intentions as goal orientated and not pain orientated. One key thing to remember is that this strategy won’t work all the time, you need to have back up plans as well.

Once you have clearly outlined the ground rules consequences are ok if you have worked through the above 3 steps and your child still disobeys the ground rules.

The key though is to match the consequence to the behaviour and make sure it is considered a reasonable consequence. For example, if they lose their temper when using a device, take that device away for 24 hours. 

One thing to remember is that children do not sense time as adults do. A week is a long period of time and will probably trigger additional anger and rage. Smaller timeframes allow them time to remember and self-correct their behaviour. It also allows you opportunities to acknowledge the behaviour change back to the incident while it is freshly in mind for both of you reinforcing the good choices.

What consequences are not ok and will do more damage than good?

  • Retroactive ones. While taking away good things such as karate lessons may seem to be a good move because it’s an activity they like a lot and the pain of losing karate will teach them a valuable lesson, it’s actually doing the opposite. Taking things they like away may cause more bad behaviour and instilling long-term distrust for you. Also consider the fact that they lose all the positive benefits their karate class teaches them such as discipline, confidence, fitness, positive social interaction, and more. 
  • Decreasing their morale. As a child’s self-esteem and morale decrease the less chance you have of them believing and making proper choices. They lose trust in themselves and begin to believe they are simply incapable of making the right choice.

So, what do you do if you have a child that is misbehaving all the time with bits of rage, back-talking, and defying the rules? 

Map out with your child good behaviour strategies:

  • If they hit someone then they must write a letter apologising or meet face to face with a pre-framed apology.
  • If you throw something then you lose a personal item for 24 hours
  • If you use poor manners you write a letter apologising and explain the proper manners you should have used
  • If you cause drama at bedtime then you must go to bed earlier the next night.

You need to ensure that for your consequences to work that you also provide rewards. Reward them if they go a week without misbehaving. But remember the reward should not always be material things. Use more relationship building rewards more often. They can pick the family movie or place for family dinner.

I would suggest you sit down and make a list of rewards and consequences you can refer back to so that you are prepared.

Like any change in approach be prepared to give the new strategies time. You need to be reasonable in your expectation of how long it will take to consistently make better choices. There will be ups and downs but stick to the plan and the ups should quickly outweigh the downs.

I hope this article and these strategies help you and your child make better choices.

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How to create your own Vision Board
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How to create your vision board – What do you want?

As we continue our discussion from classes on goal setting we move into the realm of vision boards. A vision board is one of the most powerful weapons in your arsenal of life. Understanding what you want to achieve and have happen, and being able to visualise it is extremely powerful. Without a target to aim for you simply drift through life. Achieving this, not doing that, but not focusing on what you really want to have happen.

A vision board is a great tool and one supported by just about every successful person on the planet. But how do you create one?

Luckily I have some insights for you. There are many ways and types of vision boards and they can be laid out any way that suits you and with any number of items. Let’s make a simple 9 quadrant one.

1. Grab an A4 sheet of paper.

2. Fold it into thirds then fold it in half. You should now have 6 quadrants when you unfold it.

3. Starting top left to right and working our way down number them 1 – 9

4. In each quadrant write the following words – 1. REWARD, 2. DESIRE, 3. MENTAL, 4. RELATIONSHIPS, 5. PERSONAL, 6. FAMILY, 7. WORK, 8. MATERIAL, 9. TRAVEL

5. Now grab another sheet and write 5-6 things for each heading. Take the first thing that comes to mind when you read the words written down. It can be anything. Now write short(6 months or less) or long term(more than 6 months) next to each one.

6. We are going to create a 6-month board. Of your 6 items pick the top 3 you would like to achieve in the next 6 months.

7. Go to the internet and search in Google for the 3 items you have written down. Grab any pictures or words that you find that envisions the item you have written down.

8. Here is the tricky part. You can either print out the pictures and cut them to shape or if you have access to a graphic software package like photoshop you can use this. Arrange the words & images you selected in each corresponding quadrant. Don’t worry about neatness but focus on your internal expression.

Hey, presto. You now have a Vision Board of your own. Place it up somewhere you can see it every day. I have mine on my wall in the shower and as a background of my computer screen.

Take the time every day to look at your board. Perhaps focus on one area. Dream of your goal. Picture yourself achieving that goal. Then go do your day. Watch what happens over time.

You can make Vision boards for any length of time but you must revisit them. Reassess your goals and create new boards every time from scratch. The effort of creation solidifies the desired outcome in your mind’s eye.

I would love to see your Vision Board and if you have any questions please do not hesitate to ask. The only thing that holds you back from achieving everything you want is yourself. So why would you hold yourself back?

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5 ways to build focus

5 ways to improve your own or your child’s focus

Being able to concentrate and focus is one of the most important skills for anyone to learn. It relies on self-regulation and understanding how to be in the moment.

Many studies say how well a child can navigate life depends on their ability to self-regulate. It determines their ability to use tools in their toolbox for life and create successful social interactions.

There is a lot of evidence that clearly shows that self-regulators are more likely to be school-ready, have a greater sense of well being and will see greate academic success beyond their childhood years.

So what is it that self-regulators know that others don’t?

  • They understand that success or failure is under their control not governed by external forces. They are accountable for their own decisions.
  • They see failure as the fertilizer that develops success. 
  • They understand that success involves practice and hard work. That these cannot be avoided but should be embraced as the pay off for putting in the effort will well be worth it. 
  • Self-regulators will generally take on more challenges than others.
  • Self-regulated learners are generally more at peace, happier and successful in life
  • Self-regulation is all about teaching kids in particular how to follow instructions and persist even when they encounter enormous challenges. They understand they will find a way to overcome the challenges and reap the rewards.
  • Self-regulated children can listen, pay attention, think, strategise and then act.

But how do you build self-regulation into your own or your child’s life?

Generally, there are three components to building self-regulation into your life that will improve your focus and concentration.

  1. Develop a working memory. This means learning how to hold information in your memory while taking in new information.
  2. Develop mental flexibility. There are always many ways to reach the end goal. Being able to think outside the box and flex your mental muscle on different possible journeys and strategies is great for building mental flexibility.
  3. Develop self-control. Learn and understand appropriate behaviours rather than just doing whatever you want to do. This means you need to be able to evaluate your environment, your audience and then behave appropriately to interact or communicate.

Developing and applying self-regulation strategies at home is easily achieved. Applying these tools will help your childs focus and concentration and build those life long regulatory skills. Here are a few games you can play that reinforce these strategies.

  1. Play Simon Says. Paying attention, listening and follow directions is critical to the success of this game. It will help your childs concentration levels.
  2. Heads shoulders knees and toes. We all know this game. Listening, Identification, Concentration, being in the moment and focusing are all key elements. However, you can take the benefits of this game up a notch if you get the players to do the opposite of what is asked. Saying Touch your head means touch your toes. Flex that mental muscle.
  3. Opposites. Improving concentrate and mental flexibility is achieved in this game by showing a picture and asking the child to say the opposite of what they see. For example, show a card that displays the moon. You would expect the answer to be the sun.
  4. Colouring in. Colouring in sheets have been used for years to develop concentration and focus in children. Staying in the lines. Imagination expression. Colour management. Storytelling all come from simple coloring-in sheets. Take it up a level using Mandela’s. Circular complex abstract designs with evenly distributed patterns. these create a feeling of balance and harmony and are a great way to calm stressed kids who are looking for structure and balance in their lives.
  5. Freeze. Dance along to music and then freeze when the music stops. Like musical chairs. Dance slowly to slow songs and fast to fast songs to connect rhythms and movement. When this is mastered flip the script and dance slow to fast and fast to slow. But don’t forget to freeze when the music stops. Concentrate and control.

The 5 simple games above will help develop great self-regulation skills and improve focus and concentration even in the oldest kid. Have fun bonding and playing these simple games and watch what happens over time. You may even notice variations on the above games within our martial arts classes. Flex your mental muscle and see what you can see.

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TIPS FOR KATA FROM SMA KARATE

Tips for Kata

Performing kata can be a nerve-racking experience. However, if you can maintain your composure and work your way through the kata carefully end to end you will find it a very rewarding activity.

There are some key things to consider when doing your kata. Judges do not necessarily know the kata you are performing so the way it is judged is not on the kata movements specifically but on your execution of the kata.

Key aspects such as Eye and Head movement, Crisp strikes, and blocks with balanced movement are being looked for.

Key factors:

  1. Conformance (to kata) Using the actual movements as performed in the kata.
  2. Technical overall performance
  3. Stances & Techniques
  4. Transitional movements
  5. Timing/Synchronisation
  6. Correct breathing
  7. Focus (kime)
  8. Technical difficulty

Athletic performance:

  1. Strength & Speed
  2. Balance
  3. Rhythm
  4. Athletic performance
  5. Speed & Timing
  6. Kata is not a dance or theatrical performance. It must demonstrate strength, power, and speed — as well as grace, rhythm, and balance.

If you make a mistake do not freak out. Just keep going as though you did not make a mistake. Display confidence in your execution.

Take your time, do not rush. Keep your head up and track your strikes and blocks clearly with your eyes and head. Breath throughout the kata exhaling on strikes and blocks.

The best tip for performing your kata is “PRACTICE”. Ensure you have practiced your kata again and again so the movements are second nature and you do not have to think about them too much. A great way to practice is to video yourself doing your kata and then review using an eye with the above items in mind See what you need to change and then repeat the process.

Kata is a rewarding and excellent teaching activity. Focus on the movements and techniques involved and break apart what you have, looking at possible applications.

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What we do – hidden in plain sight

It can be hard sometimes to figure out what is going on from the sidelines. It can be tricky to understand why an instructor is reacting a certain way to certain behaviour at times. Be assured there is method to the madness and reasons behind everything.

You, as parents, are paying for your children to attend and learn valuable skills that cover so many aspects of their mental and physical development. We would be reticent to not take your trust carefully and seriously and be uncompromising in our approach to instilling the values we, and you, believe are important.

So it may be useful to provide some insight into some of the lessons and skills we are teaching at many stages throughout a class.

Water bottles, Karate bag, Mouthguard etc: This is the students responsibility. These items are theirs and they need to be responsible for preparing and bringing the items they know they need. No one else is.

Badges: These are not given, these are earnt. If a student wants a certain badge they need to work for it and can always come and ask for it. If they don’t receive a badge but someone else does then they learn self-reflection and awareness of their own behaviour or efforts.

Gradings: All about handling pressure, overcoming anxiety, having the right “I can” attitude, putting in 100% effort to achieve. Goal setting and accomplishment.

Stripes: Short term goals and achievements. Effort and reward. No effort no reward. Conquering the mountain is a journey of many small steps.

Back of the mat bowing in: This is usually as a student has arrived late to class. By having to wait at the back of the mat and be bowed in they are learning Respect of instructors and other people, punctuality, and responsibility. That they need to ensure they are ready so they can get to class on time.

Performing in front of others: This is a really hard thing to do but is such a great accomplishment. Overcoming anxiety and nerves. Developing confidence and self-belief and the ability to perform under pressure. Wait until they have to turn round and face their peers. Whole other ball game ;)

Hard intense exercise: This builds mental toughness as well as physical strength. A determination to push beyond what they think they can do and develop the self-belief that they can achieve anything they are determined to work hard for.

Sparring: This is tough for a lot of students but there are real reasons why a student must spar. It develops confidence, the inner strength of character, situational awareness being in the moment, speed & movement, strategy, resilience, and control.

Partner drills: It is all about working together to be better. Problem-solving, leadership and coaching where you can help you and your partner.

Games: Reinforcement of principles and techniques. Awareness and agility to respond. Strategic thinking. Working together. Developing motor skills. Healthy competition and most of all some FUN!!

Website videos: These are provided to give students the ability to be the masters of their own achievements. They are responsible for their ability and there are no excuses as the tools are provided. This drives a great attitude, foresight by looking at other videos, learning and additional information-seeking behaviours.

Not addressing mis-behaviour by others: We are teaching them to recognise inappropriate behaviours in themselves and others. To develop the courage to speak up and use their voice so that they are simply not letting others do things they know that they shouldn’t be doing or will end up affecting them.

Sitting in seiza, eyes closed: Meditation, calmness and control. Breathing and reflection. Quieten the heart and mind.

Whole class attitudes: If a class of students is not focusing and displaying inappropriate behaviour, then this needs to be addressed, and sometimes sternly. They need to understand that there is a code of conduct in life and at the dojo that they need to adhere to. Some children take this hard as Sensei is an authoritative figure they look up to in their lives and the telling off or expression of disappointment can really hit home for them. But there is a reason, albeit very rarely, a class will be told off on mass. Certain students may be the cause but it is the responsibility of the group as a whole to help and guide each other if they know someone is not doing what they should. Standing by and watching when you could have done something about it is all too common these days.

The Martial Arts: The ability to have some insight on how to defend yourself, avoid and diffuse situations. Confidence and belief in your abilities. Pride and humbleness and emotional control. Patience.

These are some of the things we are constantly trying to reinforce in many ways. There are many others buried all over the place.

LEARNING – SCHOOL WORK – RESPECT – SELF CONTROL – GOALS – DISCIPLINE – INTEGRITY – FOCUS – CONFIDENCE – BETTER DECISIONS – FITNESS AND HEALTH – FAMILY – STRANGER DANGER and much more…

Hopefully, this gives some insight into what is happening in any given class. Any and all actions have an underlying meaning and are focused on our core belief of inspiring the best that is within everyone.

We are not going get it right 100% of the time, we are human. But if you ever have any concerns or questions please feel free to contact Sensei Chris at any time to discuss them.

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