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Punishment vs Discipline – Which is best to develop good behaviour?

Like everybody our youth have their own emotions and impulses. As adults, we sometimes forget they are building their own roadmap. Good behaviour is a learning process. Helping our youth know they are not on their own in building their future and we are there for them is important.

The funny thing we forget is that being a parent is a learning process too. Sometimes we rely too heavily on our own emotions and impulses which means that when a child misbehaves and we jump straight to punishment we are missing a valuable opportunity to teach them.

Discipline vs punishment is a fine line that if you can learn how to walk the tight rope (and it is hard) you will see amazing benefits.

Let’s compare the two words and what they actually mean:

  • Punishment – means to inflict pain or suffering as a penalty. 
  • Discipline – means to teach. 

When your child makes the same poor behaviour choices again and again it can be very frustrating for you as a parent. However, the better we respond the better the results we can expect. The better we respond and reinforce good behaviour skills, the better the results we will see in our youth’s decision. 

  • The first thing to do is to decide what you actually want to achieve. What are your goals for your child when they misbehave?
  • The primary short term goal is to get them to co-operate
  • Your second longer-term goal that is usually forgotten is that it is to teach them to make better choices without the threat of punishment or consequences.
  • Think PPI. Patient, Present, and Intentional when interacting with your child.

So when developing good behaviour skills how do punishment and discipline compare?

Punishment vs. Discipline:

  • Teach your child and they will develop self-discipline skills to manage their emotions and impulses. Punishment is behaviour shut down action.
  • Discipline will develop a higher level of trust and self-confidence.
  • When you punish you will build a proverbial wall and decrease trust and self-confidence.

It is important to develop a strategy and have it in place when you are faced with disciplining your child when they misbehave.

There are 3 key steps of discipline:

  1. CONNECT – this doesn’t mean to be permissible or passive, but to set clear expectations. When your child is upset they are less likely to hear what you have to say. As your child calms down emotionally and feels your caring approach you must be patient. You must try to remain as calm as possible which is the hardest but most stress-free way to discipline. 
  2. RE-DIRECT – spell out what the poor behaviour choice was. Follow that with what the better choice may have been. Engage and be fully present in this step as it is crucial to ensure they hear you and see you are there for them. 
  3. REPAIR – Once calm has been in place and the behaviour has been discussed then discuss necessary steps on how to solve the current behaviour problem, review better choices, and set ground rules should the poor behaviour choices continue. Show them you are there for them and in this together with them. 

A good tip is that it is better to say ‘consequences’ instead of ‘punishments’ so that you are setting your intentions as goal orientated and not pain orientated. One key thing to remember is that this strategy won’t work all the time, you need to have back up plans as well.

Once you have clearly outlined the ground rules consequences are ok if you have worked through the above 3 steps and your child still disobeys the ground rules.

The key though is to match the consequence to the behaviour and make sure it is considered a reasonable consequence. For example, if they lose their temper when using a device, take that device away for 24 hours. 

One thing to remember is that children do not sense time as adults do. A week is a long period of time and will probably trigger additional anger and rage. Smaller timeframes allow them time to remember and self-correct their behaviour. It also allows you opportunities to acknowledge the behaviour change back to the incident while it is freshly in mind for both of you reinforcing the good choices.

What consequences are not ok and will do more damage than good?

  • Retroactive ones. While taking away good things such as karate lessons may seem to be a good move because it’s an activity they like a lot and the pain of losing karate will teach them a valuable lesson, it’s actually doing the opposite. Taking things they like away may cause more bad behaviour and instilling long-term distrust for you. Also consider the fact that they lose all the positive benefits their karate class teaches them such as discipline, confidence, fitness, positive social interaction, and more. 
  • Decreasing their morale. As a child’s self-esteem and morale decrease the less chance you have of them believing and making proper choices. They lose trust in themselves and begin to believe they are simply incapable of making the right choice.

So, what do you do if you have a child that is misbehaving all the time with bits of rage, back-talking, and defying the rules? 

Map out with your child good behaviour strategies:

  • If they hit someone then they must write a letter apologising or meet face to face with a pre-framed apology.
  • If you throw something then you lose a personal item for 24 hours
  • If you use poor manners you write a letter apologising and explain the proper manners you should have used
  • If you cause drama at bedtime then you must go to bed earlier the next night.

You need to ensure that for your consequences to work that you also provide rewards. Reward them if they go a week without misbehaving. But remember the reward should not always be material things. Use more relationship building rewards more often. They can pick the family movie or place for family dinner.

I would suggest you sit down and make a list of rewards and consequences you can refer back to so that you are prepared.

Like any change in approach be prepared to give the new strategies time. You need to be reasonable in your expectation of how long it will take to consistently make better choices. There will be ups and downs but stick to the plan and the ups should quickly outweigh the downs.

I hope this article and these strategies help you and your child make better choices.

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Karate benefits for kids

In today’s world violence seems to be glorified in everything from music to video games. While if hollywood is to be believed Martial Arts brims with violence you would be surprised to find out that the opposite was true and martial arts training is very beneficial for kids. Below are ten reasons why you should be considering Karate for your children.

  1. Fostering Self-Discipline – One of the core beliefs of the Karate is an absolute focus on self-discipline. Today’s kids are so accustomed to receiving instant gratification that lessons in self-restraint and discipline aren’t always easy to come by. Kids with a Karate background, however, are continually reminded of how essential self-discipline is.
  2. Boosting Socialization Skills – Kids who don’t always thrive in highly social environments may find it easier to get to know people and make new friends when they’re in a room filled with peers who share a common interest. Devotees to the martial arts are able to get to know one another through shared pursuits.
  3. Encouraging Physical Activity – Limiting screen time is a great idea when it comes to getting kids off the couch and encouraging them to be more active, but it only goes so far. Enrolling an inactive child in such a physically demanding pastime not only discourages the sedentary lifestyle she’s used to, but also gives her an enjoyable activity that inspires her to keep moving.
  4. Learning to Set and Achieve Goals – Most forms of Karate are based around an accomplishment system of colored belts that signify the wearer’s degree of skill. When your child strives toward each new belt, he’s learning valuable lessons about setting and reaching his goals and how instant gratification is not how the world works. The understanding of working hard to achieve your goals is a key facet in all Karate training.
  5. Increased Self-Esteem – Give your child’s self-esteem level will get a boost with every new move he masters and every belt he earns. Confidence comes with achievement, kids who struggle with a low sense of self-worth usually become more confident as time progresses while they’re enrolled in a Karate class.
  6. Instilling a Sense of Respect – Learning any martial arts style will require your child to show her instructor unflinching respect. Today’s kid culture doesn’t always include respect for authority, adults or those in advanced positions. Class teaches them to focus and pay respect to their instructor and other students as well as the environment (dojo) they are training in.
  7. Encouraging Non-Violent Conflict Resolution – Thinking that Karate instruction promotes violent behavior is justified if your only experience with the activity comes from television or movies. In fact, many defensive styles teach kids peaceful, non-violent conflict resolution skills and emphasize the importance of avoiding a physical altercation.
  8. Improving Listening Skills – In order to master the skills she’s being taught and advance through the belt ranks, your child will have to exercise superior listening skills. Kids who aren’t always adept when it comes to paying attention to what they’re told can benefit from the verbal instruction in the dojo.
  9. Developing Teamwork Skills – Whether he’s breaking boards to get a new belt or sparring in a practice setting to master a new maneuver, there are few things that your child does in his Karate classes that will be done on his own. Working together to learn new things and accomplish goals is an important life lesson for kids to learn, and instruction in Karate can help your child learn that lesson.
  10. Improvement in Other Areas of Life – The benefits of martial arts training don’t end in the dojo. The boost in confidence, increased fitness level and new cooperation skills will also help your child navigate the academic and social aspects of school, affect their behavior at home and have an all-around good influence on them as they develop into an adult.

You may even find that training is the perfect activity for your entire family to do together. Along with Swimming we think karate is one of the essential things that provide your children with a solid foundation for their future. Come along and check out our classes and see karate 4 kids benefits your child.

Come down and check out our Kids karate, Youth Karate and Life Skills driven Martial Arts classes in our Parklands, Christchurch club.

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